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Seven Stages of Addiction

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Clan Lord is phenomenally addictive. As a student of this addiction, I've identified seven stages of this devastating disease. I'm certain more stages exist; however, due to the intervention of medical personnel and concerned family members, their identification will be left to other individuals.

Stage One:

  • Symptoms: Shaking hands. Inability to bend index finger. Mouse may develop a nasty squeak and tend to miss clicks. Perpetually busy phone line. Tendency to dream about rats and really big ants.
  • Cause: Introduction to Clan Lord and discovery of rat towers and the myrm hive.

Stage Two:

  • Symptoms: Weight loss due to missing meals because you're glued to the computer. Employer/friends expresses concern about health due to skin pallor and bloodshot eyes. Tremor now includes entire dominant arm.
  • Cause: Achieving rank of master and discovering the glories of large vermine spawns in the North Forest.

Stage Three:

  • Symptoms: Weight gain due to eating meals at the computer. Mouse stops working due to accumulation of mayonaise, peanut butter and other condiments. Employer suggests you spend less time trying to get through the firewall and more time on work. Cards begin arriving from immediate friends and family who have been unable to reach you due to perpetually busy phone line. ISP suggests upgrading account.
  • Cause: Discovery of the East Pass, wendeckas and the wells.

Stage Four:

  • Symptoms: Installation of cable/DSL at home. Move modem to work so you can get around firewall. Phone is unplugged at home because it keeps ringing. Weight gain continues; attire now consists only of sweats and T-shirts because all your clothes are too small. Appearance continues to deteriorate. Co-workers begin to avoid you in the hallway because of your staring eyes and occasional outbursts of "Damn spriggins!"
  • Cause: The Tangle Wood

Stage Five:

  • Symptoms: Spouse/roommate moves out because of the constant swearing. Employer suggests your work production is slipping and that you should consider "refocusing your energies." Cat runs away. You get a Geocities account and start work on a Clan Lord website.
  • Cause: The Orga Camp

Stage Six:

  • Symptoms: Checks bounce (you've forgotten to deposit last four paychecks). Creditors start sending nasty letters about past bills. Your neighbors think no one lives there any more because of the lack of visible signs of residency. Clan Lord site goes live; you anxiously watch the counter to see if anyone is reading it.
  • Cause: 'Noid Caves.

Stage Seven:

  • Symptoms: You start a new character so you can "train right this time."
  • Cause: You're convinced you could solo the Dark Temple if you hadn't spent so many ranks on Master Bodrus.
At this point the spouse/roommate comes back with a sledgehammer/pickaxe/tree branch and forcibly disables your computer. You are then enrolled in a health club, bathed, de-loused, fed, and exposed to sunlight. Once it is determined you will survive, you are allowed back to work where they take away your Mac and give you an NT box.

Note: The preceding is based on actual events. They have been exagerated to protect the guilty.